Changes

One of the most intimidating words in the English language is change. It's a word that means work, struggle, letting go, learning. And its most fearful context is in relationships. My husband is out of town working on Microsoft Certification training and testing and I have been trying to use this time by myself to work on change for our marriage. Most of the changes I have looked at making have been minor, but one has been major.
For the past four years, I have been looking at my marriage as an opportunity to change my husband. I made the mistake of marrying potential instead of reality. Not that the reality of who he was wasn't great, but that I was looking more at what he could be. Hardly a week has gone by that I haven't found some opportunity to point out to him some little or big change he could make that would improve our marriage. Anything from iron your clothes! to buy a new car!
I've got to admit this constant flow of criticism has changed our relationship a lot -- but not for the better. The clothes remain un-ironed, he still drives an old gas-guzzler clunker. What has changed is my attitude toward my marriage and my husband.
Suddenly something as small as the cabinet door being left open creates a crisis for me. I begin to say, he asked for the cabinet with a closed door, but he always leaves it open! He must do it to annoy me. He doesn't appreciate that I chose the cabinet he liked over the one that I liked. He is totally careless. He endangers others (I could hit my head on that open cabinet door if I am not paying attention). And the ultimate conclusion - if he doesn't love me enough to do something as simple as close the cabinet door, then maybe I shouldn't be married to him anymore.
Sadly enough, this has become the story of our relationship. Now, I know enough about dealing with bipolar disorder to know that some of my overreaction in situations like these is directly related to my disorder. But I am also learning that I have become a negative spirit in our marriage. By constantly focusing on changing my husband, I have neglected my own need for change.
Even though I am not an alcoholic, my counselor is always reminding me of the serenity prayer. One of my hardest life lessons is to learn the difference between what I have control over and what I have little or no control over. My steady drip of change... change... change... does nothing for my husband or for me except to exasperate us both. I have been trying to control things that are not under my control, namely my husband.
So my change, if I can succeed in implementing it is to stop listing the changes I want in my husband and start noticing changes I can make in me. I know this is more easily said than done, but I have discovered a tried and true recipe for success.
Scripture tells us that the provider of our needs is God - that he will not give us more than we can bear, that he will not give us rocks when we ask for bread, that his eye is on the sparrow and he cares for us to an even greater amount. Jesus reminds us to ask our Father God daily to provide for our basic needs.
The big change I am trying to make is this: when I see a change, little or big, that I want to make in my husband, I am going to give it to God as a request. Instead of saying, Hub, why can't you get a new (safer/more economical) car?! I will pray, God, provide safe transport for my family today. God is responsible for my daily needs - if he wants to provide for me in the form of my husband's beat-up old van, so be it. Who am I to question God?
Lord, grant me the serenity...