How are you?

I was reading back over what I wrote the other day before surgery and realized what a game face I was putting on. I'm not as strong or emotionless about this whole thing as I tried to come across in that post. And specifically, one thing the doctor said to Geoff while I was in recovery was that this was truly a pregnancy and truly a baby. He said if we hadn't been on clomid and all, we may still not know that this pregnancy was not going to result in the nine month delivery of a child, because we wouldn't have had such early ultrasounds. I tried to brush over this in my last post, like it was just a fertilized egg and nothing more, but for me this was so disappointing. I thought at first it would be helpful to know that we never had to go through seeing the heartbeat start and then stop. But I'm not sure if that really changes much at all. The doctor is right. I was really pregnant for nearly 10 weeks, and losing a pregnancy is losing a baby.
I guess it just goes to show you how we process. One day we're thinking, "I can handle this," the next we're breaking down.
I'm sick of being asked how are you by folks because the socially acceptable response to this question is "fine" "good" or "okay" and right now none of these really fits. Right now I'm hurting, frustrated, and feeling like I'm supposed to suck it up and move on. It was a few days ago now, let's put it out of mind and move on. Yeah. Right.
But what an adjustment. Just last week I was pregnant, with high hopes for a Thanksgiving bundle of joy. I'd contracted a nanny and pre-approved my post-delivery work schedule. I'd bought a crib, maternity clothes, and a baby swing. I had been thinking about going to Babies R Us to register.
And now? I think I'm kind of lost. I'm suddenly not pregnant, and I don't even have a baby to show for it. I can't focus on work stuff because everything there has changed. I'm not sure how to adjust back to what it was like a little over two months ago, because I had changed gears to be focused on a future that should have come in 7 months.
After Wednesday, I had to put away a bunch of stuff, just get it out of sight. The crib would be too difficult to remove right now, but everything else has been stuffed into closets or the attic. And right now I don't want to look at baby or mom stuff; I don't want to hear about other peoples' babies or pregnancies or whatever. I threw away my pregnancy journal, which I was really enjoying writing in, and the sonagram picture from 7 weeks and all of the gifts from the doctor's office (which are basically promotional type items) and the positive pregnancy tests.
I think I would like to forget any of this happened, but I guess that's just how I'm feeling today. Tomorrow I may feel something a little different, who knows...
I'm feeling a little angry right now at things I don't want to be angry about, people I don't want to feel angry at. It is so frustrating to find others getting pregnant while on birth control, when I have sepnt nearly 5 years of marriage with no birth control and can't seem to conceive (effectively) without medical assistance. It's hard for me to see so many folks who haven't even been at this marriage thing for nearly as long as Geoff and I have, and they are already having children to show for it. I feel left behind. I feel a little defective. First the problem was that I couldn't ovulate at all. And then when I finally do, the egg was bad. I mean, could I just exchange my female parts for ones that work?!?
But after this week, I find that I am also a little glad that we can't just get right back to trying to get pregnant. For one, the D&C doesn't leave me feeling very sexy. But also, I'm emotionally not ready to deal with the possibility of going through this process again, and just because we've had one miscarriage now doesn't mean that we won't have another one. I can guarantee that Geoff and I will not tell a soul that we're pregnant next time until we know for sure that everything is really looking good. I want the doctor's word that all looks great at 12 weeks before I will breathe a word of this to anyone.
I haven't given up hope, but the answer to "how are you?" is not "fine" "good" or even "okay" at the moment, and that's just the way it is for now.