End Times?

The other night Geoff and I watched the Al Gore film, An Inconvenient Truth. If you are reading this and you have not seen it, I would encourage you to rent and view it. What Mr. Gore speaks of in global warming and the destination of the world as far as the melting ice caps are concerned is, I believe, inconveniently true.

Now, on top of it all I know that this world was created by a sovereign God who will not allow one cube of ice to melt aside from His will and His plan of salvation for all people. So when I immediately felt the gravity of what I learned of global warming from Mr. Gore's film, I started to tell myself that it could just be another one of these "Chicken Little" cries that the world would come to an end. But then in my reading, I came across the following passage in Luke:

"There will be signs in sun and moon and stars, and on the earth dismay among nations, in perplexity at the roaring of the sea and the waves, men fainting from fear and the expectation of the things which are coming upon the world; for the powers of the heavens will be shaken." - Luke 21: 25

These are the words of Christ as He tells His disciples to be on guard for His second coming. Someone with a great deal more theological knowledge than I possess will probably come by and tell me I am wrong in my conjecture, but I wonder if what Christ is foretelling is the problem of global warming. See, the whole issue of warming (for those who haven't seen the film or need a refresher) is like this:

"Carbon dioxide and other gases warm the surface of the planet naturally by trapping solar heat in the atmosphere. This is a good thing because it keeps our planet habitable. However, by burning fossil fuels such as coal, gas and oil and clearing forests we have dramatically increased the amount of carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere and temperatures are rising." (from www.climatecrisis.net/thescience)

The result of these rising temperatures is pretty astounding. Scientists project that in 15 years we will no longer have glacial national park. That is a sad thing to me because I have always wanted to see Alaska. Biologists have discovered polar bears drowning because they swim for long distances searching for ice that is no longer thick enough to support their weight. As the ice melts, the sea rises. In the next 50 years if we continue our emissions as they currently stand, the water level will rise 20 feet. We won't have to worry about the destruction of Hurricane Katrina because New Orleans will no longer exist. Heck, I'll have beachfront property in what will no longer be central Alabama!

The first and most natural response to such things is clearly to PANIC! Fifty years is (God willing) in my projected lifetime. What would it be like to feel the impact of temperatures and water rising 20 degrees? (I'm moving to North Dakota if it gets in the 120s here)! However, Christ gives us a different perspective. In Luke 21: 28 he follows with this:

"But when these things begin to take place; straighten up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near."

That is a beautiful picture to me. What should our response be to signs that the sky is falling? We should Praise God! We find it easy to praise God when we see His goodness, but when things don't seem so great we don't have the feeling of praise in our hearts. But Christ tells us to view the end times in light of what they point to - His second coming - the greatest good of all.

Christ is often reminding us to view the present with the future in mind. Paul gives us an example of considering the present with the future in mind in Romans 5:3-4:

"we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

While the world falls to pieces around me, I want to feel excitement in my heart, to sing "Hallelujah, He is risen! He is coming!"

When I was young I used to say that I had a long list of things that I wanted to go through and experience before the second coming of Christ. I wonder how many people out there are guilty of saying, "Come, Lord Jesus, just please not yet...". I have been guilty of it in the past.

I haven't had a baby yet. I want to watch my child grow up. I want to experience true love. I want to finish my Ph.D. I want to break this world record. I want to fulfill my greatest dream. Have we really begun to consider these insignificant achievements of this life as a real substitution that we even prefer over the establishment of the Kingdom of God? Shame on us. Let's straighten up, and lift up our heads (and hands and hearts and wills). Our redemption is drawing near. Hallelujah!

Sixty-Four Seventy-Five

The last four weeks have been intensely chaotic, full of frustration and full of reward. There is a part of me that seems to think that all I have to show for this painful period has been the hard-earned $64.75 from my yard sale on Saturday. But what I can honestly say is that I have much more than that.
I'm thinking of the whole concept of receiving beauty for ashes right now, because it seems so appropriate to this past month for me. I have learned more about myself, about my God, about my husband, and about life in the last four weeks than I have in a long time. And I realized something. My marriage had been reduced to ashes. As much as it is not easy to admit, I was the arsenist. I am not assuming full responsibility for the failure of my marriage, but I was definitely the one who struck the match.
At the beginning of this month, I left my husband. I had no idea what I wanted or who I was or where I was headed. I just went to my parents house. And let me stop here and say something about parents who love too much. My mother used to have this book that had a silent impact on me because I never read anything beyond the title "Women who love too much." I don't know if I ever felt when I was growing up that my parents were people who loved us too much, but I believe it is true as I look back.
I don't say this of my folks in order to pass judgment on them, I say it as a statement of the obvious. I think my parents greatly value their children, and I am no exclusion from that rule. In their love and acceptance, I found a safe retreat from the frustrations of my marriage. I struck the match here, burned several bridges and ran to their arms and away from my husband's.
Going to my parents' home was like trying to take a nap on an inverted pincushion. I told my father repeatedly that I did not want to be there. The nettles that I felt so poignantly at their house were not of their creation, but of mine and of a God who instead of loving me too much, loved me perfectly and knew that the appropriate place for me was not in the home of my parents, but in the home of my husband.
Coming home to my husband two weeks later was not easy. I feared that I would return to a pile of ash and rubble - evidence of the significant breech in faith that I had created by my rash behavior. Instead I found something totally unexpected (to me) - that God had been working on my behalf to replace my ashes with beauty.
I am experiencing the honeymoon that I dreamed of from the beginning, in a marriage that I had not only nearly lost hope in, but one that I had also intentionally sabotaged out of my frustration. What I discovered in the midst of thinking that my marriage was for my benefit only was that my marriage, like everything else in my life, was soli deo gloria - all for the glory of God.
The concept is so basic, but from the moment I began to focus on all of the voices in my life (often including my own) that led me to alternately question and defend my views of marriage, and more specifically my marriage, I began to lose focus on the purpose of my marriage in the first place.
My hope is restored, my commitment renewed, my vision refreshed and my troth plighted (faith pledged) to my husband and my God once more. I have a great deal of work to do to rebuild the burned bridges I left in the wake of my leaving, but in the midst of this work, I have something to hold onto - out of the ashes God has recreated in His image a marriage that I was trying to conform to my image. This amateur arsenist has exchanged her matchbook for the building blocks of God's word on marriage. I hope to use this blog as a place to chronicle what I learn. Maybe others will be able to use it in some way to encourage them on the days when all they see is a pile of ashes where a marriage once was...

Recurring Dream Weirdness

This morning I learned of something new that my mother and I share. As bizarre as it seems, we both have the same recurring dream. I absolutely hate the dream (so does she). We dream that we've been skipping a class in high school because we never could find the classroom and that we're ready to graduate but can't because we have to go back and take it. For me it's almost always a math class, but is occasionally science. For mom it's always P.E. But how strange is it that we have such a similar dream??
I don't know what the dream means, but for me it tends to recur the most when I'm really stressed out. Which means I've had it alot lately, including last night...

the view from here

looking around this place (i'm in greenville, sc) i am reminded that a fresh perspective always makes for better decisions. even if you choose to stick to your initial choice, you have found even greater reason that you feel the way you do by observing the other choices and knowing why you don't want these things.
right now, looking at my marriage and the other problems i have been facing lately, being here and not in opelika seems only a different perspective - not better, not worse.
ironically, i have hardly talked about or begun to deal with my marriage issues. it turns out that in three days of counseling i've done more work and gone much deeper into dealing with other issues that i haven't even had time to get to the marital stuff. i'm guessing that these other issues were more important anyway. i feel much free-er today than yesterday, if that's a sign of anything.
i'm trying to figure out this whole thing of forgiveness and of goal setting. i think i'm going to stay here for awhile and continue to work toward sorting through all of this. part of me really wants to leave, but i know that the view from here is a little clearer than the view from home for now.

Success!

It's nice to be able to follow up a post about cheating on my diet/exercise with a post about a successful day. I ate healthily today, came home, cooked dinner (meatloaf, lima beans, rice & gravy, and peaches), and took Colson for a walk. I put everything up and Geoff helped clean the kitchen, took a nice long bath and read some short stories I hadn't picked up in a long time. A successful day.
And still, the doldrums. Tomorrow I have two doctors' appointments. In the morning, I want to make certain I voice my concerns about counseling (or lack thereof) to my counselor. I feel like I get no feedback or assistance with my issues, and I really want some help -- for the money I'm spending, some good help! I am also going to talk to my other doctor about visiting an actual psychiatrist. I think it would be good, since I'm on psychiatric medications and have had a psychiatric diagnosis, to visit an actual psychiatrist. Call me old fashioned, but a med degree vs a PhD just holds better clout in this sort of situation.
Not much to report other than this. Just a boring, but successful, day.

Cheating

This is not about what you might think. Today at lunch I decided I was so frustrated with everything else going on that I was going to cheat on lunch and have Chick-fil-A. I just wanted something I shouldn't have just because I shouldn't have it. This is the way I used to react a lot of the time when I was bothered by something. Funny thing is, the only one who got cheated by me eating what I did was me. I didn't enjoy it as much as I have in the past.
So we're only like three days into dieting/exercising and instead of walking a dog I'm sitting on my butt typing. I asked my sister-in-law to help me out in these situations, but I really am okay tonight. I haven't given up, but I am giving myself a day to cool off from last night.
Anyway, I've talked a lot today, to my mom and my sister, and I don't really feel much like writing at the moment. I have some volunteer work that needs doing and I hope to get to that tonight, but other than that, I'm crashing a little bit. I've got a project in mind that I hope to get started on this weekend, and I'm going to let myself think about what I need in order to accomplish it, but other than that, I just want to chill...

Stone (last but CERTAINLY not least)

How neat is it that I am aunt to my sister's daughter and my brother's son? This little guy is all smiles and laughter, a true joy to have around. He's such a neat blend of his mom and dad. I can't wait to hear him really start to laugh as he grows up - I want to know if he has an Eddie Murphy laugh like his daddy.

Kevin and Shelby weren't quite as prepared for this whole baby thing I think, but Stone seems to be the perfect baby for them. He's so laid back and easy going, but they're probably reading this and laughing. In the beginning everyone said that Mercy was so much more demanding, but I've heard tell from my folks that Stone's beginning to assert himself a little more. Still, what an adorable little boy, my nephew Livingstone.

Mercy

Mercy and I have had a bunch of bonding experiences - baths apparently are no exception. I remember giving her a bath when she was only about 5-6 weeks old, and here we are together taking a bath at Aunt Susan's and Uncle Richard's in the jacuzzi tub. Boy Mercy loved that (although Geoff says in this picture I look like I'm enjoying it more).
I was there the day Mercy was born. There is something very significant about my connection to my sister's daughter. Gini even sometimes says that she had my child, because Mercy and I share some similarities. I mean come on - the child's first word was "puh-puh" (puppy). I became an aunt when I married Geoff, but I became Aunt Minnah when Mercy came into the world.

Sara

This picture isn't quite as recent as today. It was taken back in May, but close enough. Sara's a total beauty! She makes me think of snow white with her red lips and dark hair and eyes. Her uncle Geoff is completely enamored with her. Since she came along, he talks more about having a daughter than a son.
I was there three days after Sara was born. I was there again when she was back in the hospital as an infant. My first neice, she has a close place in my heart. Stubborn and willful, she's gonna be a handful, but what a beautiful sweet little thing she is when she's not throwing a tantrum!

Matthew

What can I say about Matthew. My first phone conversation with this little guy was his calling to tell me about seeing horses at a farm. He said (and I quote) "Horse. Pee Pee. Poo Poo." He hasn't outgrown the humor of bodily functions, but then neither has his uncle. What impresses me most about Matthew is his mechanical mind and determination. Instead of wanting to be a pilot, he wants to build planes. And he could too. He's smart and he's a mess, probably why I just adore him!

Updated Pics - Jonathan

It's about time I update some photos of the neices and nephews. I'll see what's cute that I haven't put up.

Jonathan is eight now, and getting to be more of a big kid every day. He's a lot like his uncle Geoff. He wants to climb every tree, visit every stream, and he is dying to go canoeing! I keep telling Geoff we'd better hurry up and get started on our own family, but on the bright side, Jonathan will be big enough to babysit our children by the time we have some.

Defending the Alpha Position

Sometimes it is tough to be the owner of two pit bulls. They don't rough me up by biting me like some people would probably think. Once Colson got so excited to get back into the house that he wrapped my arm around the posts on the entryway to my porch - I ended up in ER. Nothing was broken, but I was pretty swollen and hurt.
Another time I got a black eye - my only shiner ever! He just bumped me in the right spot to blacken it. And then there was the time one of the neighbor kids decided to throw a stick for the dogs and clobbered me in the head with it. I know that wasn't technically the dogs' fault, but it was a related injury.
And as I sit here typing this post, I have a throbbing tooth and a bloody lip. Soozie this time, bumped my tooth with her hard head, splitting my lip open. If I still have a headache this bad tomorrow, I'm going to the dentist. If I lose my front tooth over this, I'm not going to be too happy! But these are the perils of pit bull ownership I guess...

Dang! It Feels Good to be a Poet!

It feels good to be writing again. I've been into E.E. Cummings lately, and I think it shows. That and my post-modernist training, which I'm still coming to grips with. I love structure and syntax and twists and turns and strange words with double entendres and everything about language. Just love it. Believe it or not, this is a love poem. That's as much as I'll give away. I'd love to see commentary on it - of any sort - good, bad, or ugly. I'm interested in a, whether or not anyone's reading this other than my sister; and b, what you think...

(Non) SENSE

The smell of wanton sulfer -
his careless gentility -
an odor of undoing
and taste of starlit apple

he has a touch so malignantly
sagacious
(both alarming and familiar)

and still -
on the (almost
imperceivable) pauses
between comingandgoing

sober intoxication - and
inopportunity -
share between petals,
the thorns

My Sunshine

I had been thinking over this post all weekend when I noticed my sister wrote something similar this morning. I was thinking about what a stabalizing force she has always been in my life and how rare and neat it is to count your sister as your best friend.
Some of my earliest memories still make me smile and laugh. I remember her teaching me the words to "You are my sunshine" when we lived on Pennsylvania in Shreveport (I wasn't even 5 years old). I remember standing on the edge of the double bed we shared and falling backwards playing "TIMBER." I remember her pretending that she could fall asleep in 10 seconds and me trying to wake her up (she was such a good faker I could push her to the floor before she'd get mad enough to stick her tongue out at me).
I remember watching her through the glass doors as she played with Dylan on our jungle gym when I wasn't "cool enough" to hang out with them. But I also remember her sticking up for me on our walk to school when someone was picking on me. I remember her driving me to school and us getting lost during one of the first ice storms in Birmingham. I remember us sitting in the senior parking lot and her telling me to stop listening to depressing music because she was worried about me (It was her tape of Pearl Jam, but she was right).
She was the reason I had a date to prom my senior year. My date's grandma died and a friend of hers took me and I had a wonderful time! She included me in college, we got to know each other better. I remember when my grandmother's second husband died how she and I drove together and listened to Jim Brickman and how it felt funny to be as old as we were.
We fought alot, but I had her there to fight with, and that was always more important. We tattled too much, but we still somehow found it in ourselves to trust each other again, and I would still trust her with my life. We moved so much that I am just glad I was never totally alone. Sometimes people are lucky enough to find a friend who becomes a sort of sister. I have been lucky enough to have a sister who has become (and always was) my friend.

Dickonsonian Day

For years I have had a picture on the wall in my bedroom. The frame is cheap and the picture is of a teddy bear. On it is my favorite poem of all time, Emily Dickonson's "I Shall Not Live in Vain."
If I can stop one heart from breaking
I shall not live in vain
If I can ease one life the aching
or cool one pain
Or help one fainting robin
Until his nest again
I shall not live in vain.
I know I don't have any punctuation right, but you get the gist.
Well, yesterday I got to have a Dickinsonian Day. I helped a little guy named Gabe. Gabe is a pit bull that some folks found a few months ago living on his own in the B'ham area. He has suffered a lot, judging by his excessive scarring and gunshot shards and bb's still lodged and seen on x-rays. And despite all of that, he is a doll. Anyone who has spent even a few minutes with him has fallen in love. This morning Gabe is in surgery. He is have a face lift, hopefully to put his lip back where it belongs so that he won't look like he's snarling because Gabe doesn't snarl.
I'll update with some new pics of Gabe later this week when I get a chance to go and see him in recovery.
If you're reading this for some reason and you want to help Gabe, go to www.turtlemoonrescue.org and you can donate to help cover his boarding and surgery costs...

Double the Certified, Double the Fun!

Another positive post for my #1 man. Today he passed the second leg of his microsoft certification!!!

YEAH FOR MY HUB!!!

Geoff passed his first Microsoft Certification test this morning on his first attempt! He's got one more test to take tomorrow, but I'm so proud I just had to go ahead and brag on him a little. (I knew he could do it)!

Changes

One of the most intimidating words in the English language is change. It's a word that means work, struggle, letting go, learning. And its most fearful context is in relationships. My husband is out of town working on Microsoft Certification training and testing and I have been trying to use this time by myself to work on change for our marriage. Most of the changes I have looked at making have been minor, but one has been major.
For the past four years, I have been looking at my marriage as an opportunity to change my husband. I made the mistake of marrying potential instead of reality. Not that the reality of who he was wasn't great, but that I was looking more at what he could be. Hardly a week has gone by that I haven't found some opportunity to point out to him some little or big change he could make that would improve our marriage. Anything from iron your clothes! to buy a new car!
I've got to admit this constant flow of criticism has changed our relationship a lot -- but not for the better. The clothes remain un-ironed, he still drives an old gas-guzzler clunker. What has changed is my attitude toward my marriage and my husband.
Suddenly something as small as the cabinet door being left open creates a crisis for me. I begin to say, he asked for the cabinet with a closed door, but he always leaves it open! He must do it to annoy me. He doesn't appreciate that I chose the cabinet he liked over the one that I liked. He is totally careless. He endangers others (I could hit my head on that open cabinet door if I am not paying attention). And the ultimate conclusion - if he doesn't love me enough to do something as simple as close the cabinet door, then maybe I shouldn't be married to him anymore.
Sadly enough, this has become the story of our relationship. Now, I know enough about dealing with bipolar disorder to know that some of my overreaction in situations like these is directly related to my disorder. But I am also learning that I have become a negative spirit in our marriage. By constantly focusing on changing my husband, I have neglected my own need for change.
Even though I am not an alcoholic, my counselor is always reminding me of the serenity prayer. One of my hardest life lessons is to learn the difference between what I have control over and what I have little or no control over. My steady drip of change... change... change... does nothing for my husband or for me except to exasperate us both. I have been trying to control things that are not under my control, namely my husband.
So my change, if I can succeed in implementing it is to stop listing the changes I want in my husband and start noticing changes I can make in me. I know this is more easily said than done, but I have discovered a tried and true recipe for success.
Scripture tells us that the provider of our needs is God - that he will not give us more than we can bear, that he will not give us rocks when we ask for bread, that his eye is on the sparrow and he cares for us to an even greater amount. Jesus reminds us to ask our Father God daily to provide for our basic needs.
The big change I am trying to make is this: when I see a change, little or big, that I want to make in my husband, I am going to give it to God as a request. Instead of saying, Hub, why can't you get a new (safer/more economical) car?! I will pray, God, provide safe transport for my family today. God is responsible for my daily needs - if he wants to provide for me in the form of my husband's beat-up old van, so be it. Who am I to question God?
Lord, grant me the serenity...

She's not Nixon, but we love her anyway

Geoff, Colson, Irving, and I welcomed Soozie into our lives a few months ago. I have had several complaints that folks haven't gotten to see pics of this beautiful girl, so here she is. Soozie is brindle and white, a full American Pit Bull Terrier. If you read my earlier post about Colson, you'll know that Geoff largely influenced me to investigate this fantastic breed of dog.
Soozie came to us because of my involvement with Turtle Moon Rescue - the Pit Bull Rescue group in Alabama. I began working with them as a coordinator/planner of their events back in March and it doesn't take long to find another pit to fall in love with when you work with them on a daily basis. I won't say too much about Soozie online as she was a confiscation from a cruelty case and I don't wish her to be found. She's a real joy of a dog, and she's Colson's favorite cuddle buddy now.
But I can tell you honestly, I don't want a Nixon or a Shapiro to join Colson. Calamity Soo is more than enough dog for one family, and having a pair is more than I ever want as far as dogs go in my small house! (Somewhere Geoff is seconding this opinion).

I'm not alone

My sister, Gini has a blog spot now. I guess that should motivate me to update my own once in awhile. After all, babies on this site are now nearing a year of age and I really haven't written too much post-Katrina. Still, it's not like I have followers out there reading my posts. And the only comments I have gotten have been advertisements.
My dad has an abandoned post too. It makes me curious why we want to live our lives online in front of the world...
The only thing that brought me back here today is reading my sister's posts; I don't really have much to say to anyone who might be reading right now.