Worn Out

I've been reading The Jesus I Never Knew (Yancey) for a few days now. I picked it up (what was it, Jenni, a year ago?) with the intent of going through it with a friend, but we didn't get very far. I'm glad I decided to revisit it though, because it has been just what I needed lately. Isn't it interesting how God always gives you just what you need, even when you're not aware that you need it?
You know, that makes me realize something. I think about a thousand times a day we probably come up with some idea of some "thing" that we need. More money, more time, more friends, etc. It occurs to me that the things I really need I needn't ever ask for, because God is continually supplying these things to me - physical things like food and shelter and clothing and other things like His word, good advice, a welcome hug, or the right song or book, and even spiritual things like patience or mercy or forgiveness. Makes me think maybe I shouldn't worry so much about what I think I need and should just trust that whatever it may be, God knows and God provides. El Shaddai, all sufficient.
Anyway, the book is inspiring a lot of good thoughts that I want to share here. I've been significantly affected by the portion on the Beatitudes. But after today, I find I'm just too worn out to really go into what God was laying on my heart earlier, so it can wait for now. It might be good to let it simmer for a bit.
In the past few days I have dealt with some pretty big things emotionally and otherwise, and I find I have trouble talking about them here. Nothing's wrong with the baby or with me personally.
In fact, Claire continues to surprise me with her constant activity. She must be having more fun in there than I thought was possible, because at any moment I feel flips, kicks, and spins. My mother-in-law says both Geoff and his sister were the same when she was pregnant, so I'm hoping this means that she will be lucky enough to have her daddy's wonderful metabolism. I'm delighted to have a baby on the move, because now that I can feel her, I never have to worry about whether or not something might be wrong in there. She tells me constantly that she is well. But that not worrying thing really goes back to what I was saying earlier about God knowing our needs and supplying them before we realize that they're there. She's in his hands. She's more than fine.
But my heart has also been wrapped up with another baby, my tiny godson Malachi. I appreciate anyone and everyone's prayers while I continue to try to follow God's leading on what he would have for this baby. The situation is far too sensitive to try to share in detail here, but some of you know at least a portion of the ordeal surrounding this child and his future.
Through all that I am dealing with right now on behalf of my godson, I can step out of my life for a minute and suddenly realize the blessings surrounding me. Try it and be grateful - there is an amazing freedom and joy in just being grateful for your blessings.
Anyway, that's my somewhat disjointed post for today. I'm going to go wind down with a little Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune before tuning in to see what the Obama hubub is about...

Be Careful Little Eyes...

I heard this song on the Christian radio the other day - "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns. The lyrics were so powerful, the song so powerful, that I sat and listened to the whole thing. When it was over I turned off the car and just thought about these words:

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

So often lately I've been reminded of what an amazing responsibility Geoff and I are being given to parent this child growing inside me. The second line of this song was just overpowering "Be careful little feet where you go, for it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow." I keep thinking of the book "Hinds Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard and praying that God will continue to guide my steps, since it is indeed the little feet behind me that are sure to follow.

As silly as this sounds, Mary had a little lamb also makes me think of this amazing responsibility. My little lamb will go where I go, will do what I do, will say what I say. I hope that I am practicing now the type of habits and behaviors that I want my child to mimic in the oh so near future.

Anyway, I would encourage you to check out the Casting Crowns song above if you're not already familiar with it. Even if you don't have children, the song has a powerful message about how easily we slip and fall off of this narrow road that leads us to God's kingdom.

Anah

After changing my blog for Easter, I took off the verse that I used to have at the bottom of the screen. Many of you may never have noticed the verse. Perhaps I ought to edit my blog so that T.S Eliot's quote will be placed at the bottom and this verse at the top. I just might do that when I have time later...
Anyway, the verse is a big time favorite of mine:
"You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great." Psalm 18:35
This morning I started an online Bill Gothard Bible Study on the Commands of Christ with a group of ladies. This morning's lesson was on repentence, but something in the additional reading caught my attention. It said:
"Several Hebrew words are translated humble. One is anah, which means 'to stoop, be downcast, bow down; to be afflicted; to weaken oneself; to mishandle'.” When God stoops down to make us great, he humbles himself in the manner of this Hebrew word "anah." What greater example of humility do we have than that of Christ, who as Paul says in Phillipians, "who being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but instead made himself nothing, taking the very form of a servant, being made in human likeness; and being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!"
God stooped down all the way to earth. And he didn't settle for being a king in all of his glory - he stooped down to the level of servant, he weakened himself, he gave himself up to be afflicted. And for what purpose? Well, certainly for His own glory. But also so that we could be made heirs with Christ our brother!
Yesterday morning I sang and played violin in an Easter sunrise service. The song we sang reawakened me to the love of God. If you haven't heard "Who am I" by Casting Crowns, I suggest you check it out, thinking about the God who humbled Himself, not even stopping short of death, who stooped down to make us (YOU) great.

The Business of Church

Isn’t it sad when the business world is a safer place than the church world?

[DISCLAIMER: The contents of this post have been edited, I hope in a manner that will still allow it to be meaningful to readers. If you find yourself at a loss to understand the context, either ignore it or email and ask me for more information…]

Sometimes it feels right to be very, very angry when it seems you’ve been placed by God right in the path of destruction – especially destruction created by a person who has set himself up as someone to be trusted, or as a spiritual leader. It can be just as bad to have to stand by and watch people you love suffer – seemingly for no reason at all! And all people can say is "let go and let God" and all of that trite baloney?!? Or how about this whopper: "wish we could do something to help... but we don't know what to do that would not harm the good work and the reputation of our church or our pastor." Or the simple: "we are praying for you and wish you the best of everything in this life" unaccompanied by any genuine assistance.

I’m reminded of scripture: "Oh you foolish Galatians! Who has deceived you?!" "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." Galatians 1:10 "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" Galatians 6:2. It is amazing how God's word is ignored by "His people!"

God’s true people are being persecuted by the church, and what for? For their honesty. Where are the church staff members, the church deacons, elders, members who will stand up for truth? They have been told not to seek the truth; they’ve been hushed by “you don’t want to know.” And maybe it’s become true – they don’t want to know. Their comfort has become more important than sacrifice. They have shown where their allegiance truly lies.

I blogged awhile back about triumphal Christianity. We are told to accept that "it's not about you," and then (if we accept that it isn't about us), God will reward us with all the lovely things this world has to offer. Wouldn’t that just make it all about us? Our acceptance that “it's not about us” is considered our sacrifice?! WOW!

What kind of Christianity is this? "We don't want to know [the truth];" gosh I just keep thinking, "oh you foolish Galatians! Who has deceived you???" God's mission for his church will not/cannot go on unhindered without the Truth.

More on this to follow...

More Observations from Dallas Willard

{Material from a long-ago chat with mom re: Dallas Willard's Hearing God}

Willard says (in Hearing God) that scripture can be divided one way into incidentals and principals. Take the parable of the rich young ruler, for example. Is this incidental or principal? Jesus told the rich young ruler to sell all he had and follow Him. Was Jesus’ statement intended for the entirety of the human race to use as a dictate? Should we all go and sell all that we have and follow Him? This, Willard says (and I agree) is an incidental story. The rich young ruler was told to sell all by Jesus, because Jesus saw that this specific man needed to deal with this specific area of his life. That doesn't mean that all people are supposed to sell all they have, but it may mean that there are other rich young rulers out there who will be convicted to sell all and follow Him. It’s not a principal, it’s an incident; an instructive anecdote, not an anecdotal instruction.

But plenty of Christ’s words are principals. "Love the Lord your God with all your mind, soul and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. Do unto others…" There is a fairly big difference between the commands of Christ (the principals) and the incidental stories in scripture. Both are intended to instruct us in how to live, but only some are meant to be taken as true dictums that are one-size-fits all of Christendom.

It seems that a lot of what you read in popular (instructive) Christian writings are incidentals being written as principals. In the human quest to figure out the “perfect (easy) method to find the perfect walk with God" some “theologian” finds an obscure verse that can “de-code” the rest of scripture and allow you to prosper in the Christian walk like never before. The Prayer of Jabez. An incident, not a principal. That prayer was meant for Jabez to pray. Should others pray similarly? Some people, some of the time. But when Jesus tells us, “this is how you should pray…” it is a principal, meant to apply to all people all the time.

What happens through this “Christian” writing is that people entirely MISS the principals because they are wrapped up in the incidentals. As responsible, intellectual Christians, we debate whether or not to attack these “Christian” works, because there is no doubt that they have some merit; they espouse some truth. The problem becomes that people MISS the big truths because they are focusing on these lesser things. People would rather read The Purpose Driven Life for thirty days, than read the bible every day for the rest of their life on earth. It’s easier. So they miss God, but gain religion...

Comments welcome.

A Prayer for Rosemary

"This I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness... The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him... For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love." ~ from Lamentations chapter 3.

I have found that the more I seek to show God's love to a friend, the more God seeks to show His love to me. The truths that I feel my friend needs to hear are those that God uses to minister to me.

My friend Rosemary is in jail for murder. It is a murder that I do not believe she committed, but a murder I do believe she caused. When she and her family moved in next door to us around two and a half years ago, I had no idea that this is what the future would hold. I saw four beautiful children and a single mom, being supported by a much older boyfriend. I experienced a call to minister to this disjointed family, and my husband and I answered that call - forming a friendship that ebbed and flowed through the following two years.

When the family moved away last August, we vowed to keep in touch. Little did we know that within a week of their move, we would be keeping in touch with Rosemary behind bars. With Rosemary suspected of murder, I knew that she would be very alone, and that I had a choice to make about my continued responsibility in her life.

At first I wasn't certain whether I was being an ungodly onlooker in business that was better off without me. I have a great disgust of this tendency in all of us, myself included - that we are drawn to other's suffering. If you look within yourself or others you know, I think you will see this tendency. It is akin to gossip. We like to be experts on other people's grief. It's amazing how when someone has a tragedy, there are suddenly "friends" present who we'd never known before. I think we do this because we like the way that others look at us when we are so compassionate and kind. It sickens me when I discover it in myself.

However, regardless of whether this was what initially drew me to continue my contact with Rosemary, I sincerely believed that God had not released me from this friendship. Over the last six months, I can see not only confirmation that God wanted me to remain in contact with her, but I can also see some of what He is choosing to do through this friendship.

For example, I do not tell folks "I'll pray for you" very often. It is a promise I hesitate to make, because it is not a light thing to say. I believe you make a commitment before God when you speak those words, and that far too many people use them far too lightly. These words often even become a blanket excuse, as if promising to pray for someone negates your Christian obligation of charity, as if when you pray you no longer need to help others to meet their physical needs. But I told Rosemary I would pray.

I can only thank God that I made that promise to Rosemary, because there have been events in the past six months that have threatened my often unsteady prayer life. Sometimes Rosemary is the reason that I pray. And I believe that God is using her to minister to me, while He uses me to minister to her.

Rosemary reminds me of my own guilt before Him, and of His great compassion for me. And when I speak the truth to her, like God's promises in Lamentations, that He does not cast us off forever, my faith is strengthened. The more I try to help her to believe, the more I believe.

So tonight I encourage you to commit yourself to pray for someone you love. When you can't love yourself enough to pray for your own needs, maybe lifting up someone else to God, even if the words feel like an empty fulfillment of an obligation, maybe God will use that to change your heart. Voicing someone else's hurts can give you an opening to voice your own. I'm still struggling to speak to God about my hurts, my anger, my fear, my pain, my desires, my needs, but tonight I will start my prayers with Rosemary; and if God can heal her, He can heal me too.

Leaving You with a Thought

Okay, I am literally 19 days away from test-taking time for my certification as a general securities representative/investment advisor representative. So that means I need to get off the blog and hit the books some. I have really been enjoying posting because I've been getting on a few soapboxes and have actually had some responses lately, but I've got to take a break.
I have one more thing I want to post on before I go, that follows the train of thought I started a couple of days ago, and I want to get a picture up if my camera will work today.
My husband and I were reading this morning and he came across a passage in one of his books about "triumphalism" or triumphalist christianity. This is the type of religion that suggests that being a true Christian means that we will be prosperous, healthy, and happy in this life. I think a lot more people believe this than will admit to it. As I stated earlier, we believe the kinds of sacrifices God calls us to make for Him are the little things, like choosing not to hit someone that makes us mad, or not cheating on a test, or only going 5 over the speed limit, or taking the time to go to church, or tithing our 10%. And we believe (whether we admit to it or not) that God will reward us with the creature comforts of things and stuff in this life.
We followed our personal reading time by reading together in Ephesians, and check out verse three of chapter one:
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every SPIRITUAL belssing in the heavenly places IN CHRIST."
Paul seems to believe that our blessings are not granted us on this earth in worldly forms. I think scripture supports the idea that if we would prefer all of the blessings on this earth, we could probably have these and miss out on the blessings awaiting us in heaven. Paul's belief is that God's blessing is Christ Himself. The life of Christ. A life of true sacrifice. This is the paradox: this life which might seem devoid of the types of "triumphs" that we like to use to measure success by (health, wealth, happiness), is the very life that is truly triumphant.
Anyway, I've blogged enough and now I will most likely be offline for a few weeks in preparation for this test. I may try to get on once in awhile, but I will need to be brief...

Bod for God

In light of what I have been discussing today (diet), I came across this on another blog. I thought it was quite interesting, even though the author takes a pretty strong stand against God/God-dependency/Christianity at the end. What is interesting about it is the picture that "christian" fads are giving to the world. I found myself agreeing with the writer up to the last few paragraphs. I am trying to come up with an appropriate response (the blogger invites comments), but I thought it would be interesting to share...

http://www.blog4brains.com/2007/02/11/bod-for-god/

Self-Evaluation

Would you rather eat a slightly burnt cookie or a juicy ripe apple?
Would you rather eat stale potato chips or fresh baby carrots?
Would you rather drink a warm soda or ice cold water?

Too often I find myself going for the soda, cookie, and chips, no matter what kind of condition they're in. I went on this diet and lost weight and I have some more weight I want to lose. I have been exercising as well. But recent events (since the beginning of September) have really thrown me off my game.

I have been reaching for those temporary comforts which also happen to be the things that kill me (see my previous post). I have not been consistent in either diet or exercise, and I have been making excuses for myself. My last post was as much for me as for anyone who might be reading this, because I need the encouragement right now, not to fall prey to the same old sinful habits that so easily trip me up.

Why is it that we choose to settle so often for what is not good for us? I'm not just talking about food here. I was thinking about my sister's blog on "lip service" that "christians" pay to their faith/God. Dallas Willard says that we so often consider ourselves to be Christians simply because we "believe" what every demon knows to be true! We sell ourselves short. We settle for what seems close enough to doing the right thing, even though we know that something better exists. We have a comfortable cultural christianity that has very little to do with true faith.

It's a redundant question. The truth of the matter is, we are LAZY. We don't want the difficulty. We see someone take a stand - like my father, who has lost his severance and has had his morality called into question (ironically for asking his boss to be truthful) - and we see them face trials and persecutions from so-called christians and non-christians alike, simply for speaking the truth. And we close ourselves off in fear that we too might be called to lay it all on the line if we were to give ourselves fully to God.

We are content to view our choice to go to church on Sunday morning (over sleeping in) as a SACRIFICE on our part, something that makes us Holy and acceptable to God. When we make this easy living out to be a sacrifice, we belittle the sacrifice that God Himself made as our example. He DIED so that we can LIVE! And we choose to pollute our bodies and parcel off only a tiny portion of our thoughts and feelings for Him.

The real work of Satan isn't to convince us not to believe in Christ - it's to convince us that this is all God asks of us - this "chicken poop for the soul" type Christianity that my sister was reading/blogging about. Satan has done his work when we would rather eat freezer-burned ice cream than have fresh yogurt, and when we would rather unthinkingly swallow every word that comes out of a pastor's mouth than dig through His word and find the answer for ourselves.

So, which would you rather have - a vague hope that you might go to heaven when you die or a vibrant, intimate relationship with your Creator?

Every Good Intention

I had every good intention of spending the morning writing a bit more on Willard, but as many good intentions go...
I did have a thought last night which I thought would be interesting to share. I was out getting dog food and the literal thought that went through my head was "I'm dying for some ice cream." It's a thought I have sometimes while trying to remain disciplined with this dieting thing, "I'm dying for some macaroni and cheese." "I'm dying for some fried pickles." "I'm dying for some chocolate." It occured to me that this could become a sort of mantra that instead of hurting my chances of sticking to my diet, could actually assist me in achieving my goals.
I was talking to my brother about this very thing the other day. About how what I put in my mouth determines whether I will live or I will die. So I asked myself last night, what is it I'm dying for? Would I rather have one more day of health and happiness with my husband and life here, or would I rather eat this ___?
Obesity is a disease and in more than 90% of the cases, it is self-inflicted. Just as abstinance from sex can protect us from venereal disease, abstinance from certain foods can protect us from obesity. When a doctor says someone is morbidly obese, it literally means, you are dying from what you are eating every day.
There is an addiction issue when you get to a certain point with food. When I treat my eating as an extension of my mood - "what do I feel like eating today?" - I quickly start back into a downhill slope of wanting the fried foods, the salty foods, the sweets, the sugars. Just like the person who smokes realizes that he is probably inflicting cancer on himself and bringing death one day closer, so also the person who makes poor choices about eating is bring death one day closer with every bite.
Gluttony is a deadly sin, one that we very often overlook (myself included). I have tried to recondition my thinking about food - to say that my body is like a machine. We put into the machine oil, gas, things that are good for it and make it run properly. We are constantly wary of things that will clog the engine and make it perform poorly (which is why we by more highly refined gas for our vehicles). We should treat our bodies with the same sort of dignity.
What do I need to fuel me? Vitamins and minerals, proteins and carbohydrates. Water, water, and more water. What slows me down, clogs me up, makes me perform poorly and shortens the life of my "engine"? Sugars and oils and fats (oh my!).
So here is a challenge for those of you, like me, who struggle with what you put into your mouth. Next time you grab a snickers bar for breakfast, literally say this to yourself, "I am DYING for this Snickers bar." Next time you pull up to order at a fast food window, say, "I am DYING for this chicken sandwich." And then ask yourself, is it worth it?
Anyone interested in knowing how I've managed to lose 25 lbs in the last four months is free to email me and ask. I'll give you a hint - no sugars, no caffeine, and WATER, WATER, and MORE WATER. Don't die for your food. God gave us food to fuel us and help us live!

Beyond Blind Faith (Hearing God Ch. 3)

Hear this promise of the Lord:

"God is able to penetrate and intertwine himself within the fibers of the human self in such a way that those who are enveloped in his loving companionship will never be alone (HG 43)".

Emmanuel. God is with us. The Lord be with you. I will never be forsaken. We are promised repeatedly through God's word that we will never be alone in this life. Christ Himself says He will never leave us or forsake us. I don't have any profound insight into this for today. I can only think on all of the times in my life that I feel utterly and completely alone. It is a powerful truth to realize that God is not only WITH us, if we belong to Him, He INDWELLS us. He is WITHIN us.

For me this means that when I don't even understand why I feel what I feel or where to begin in pouring out my worries and desires to Him, I have the confidence to say that He has so deeply ingrained Himself in me, that even without my telling Him, He has a full grasp of my every need. This is confidence itself, because it is ONLY He who can fulfill my needs. As the ultimate source of all good things in my life, God is with me.

How do I know that He is with me (beyond what is told to me in scripture and by theologians like Willard)? Willard says, "Our conviction – willing it to be so – is our only proof that God is present in our lives (HG 46)." We often scoff at this blind faith as being rudimentary. Perhaps it is - in the sense that a rudimentary understanding of Him is needed as a foundation for futher understanding of Him. We start here, with the faith that wills us to accept that God is who He says He is. But we don't stop here.

It is dangerous for anyone to assume that blind faith is the only type of faith we need when approaching God. In order to understand the mysteries He wishes to impart to His children, we must always be striving to push beyond a blind acceptance. Willard says that the call to Christ involves the discipline of constant study. We are all made to be theologians. We will not all be Calvin, but we should all use our God-given brains to try and know Him more.

Willard points out one last "proof" that we can have of God's constant presence. He says, "Life with effects beyond the natural always depends upon intimate interactions between us and God, who is therefore present (HG 50)." We, as believers, can SEE God move in this world. We are voyeurs of miracles every day. Any time that we see a life moving in an unnatural direction, we should recognize God at work (God's presence). When a man of God chooses to swallow his pride and admit his wrong before the body of Christ, we KNOW that God has moved and is therefore present. When we follow Christ's example, we KNOW that God has done this in us, because we are incapable of doing this without God.

Choose to see Him act, believers, and choose to "envelop [yourself] in His loving companionship (HG 43)."

Pressing Onward - Hearing God Chapter Two

It was interesting for me to go back and read over the beginnings of this book study on my blog and realize that I had been inclined to focus on very different points in my first reading. Now, I suppose I take some of the earlier truths that I learned for granted and am beginning to be able to find new truths to grapple with in my reading. I think this is the way that God intends to reveal Himself to us through scriptures, giving us layer upon layer of Himself, unfolding Himself one truth at a time.

Yesterday in church, I played "How Firm a Foundation" on my violin. Building this foundation through "His excellent Word" as the hymn sings, is this process of accepting one truth and then stacking upon it another... and another... and another. I used to think that the need to review something I'd already read was a weakness I should not allow myself. What a know-it-all! I now find that I love to reread novels and literary classics and passages of scripture. It's amazing what you can glean the second and third time through!

Now onto chapter two of Willard...

This second chapter led me to think about the role of marriage in God's kingdom. I'm probably not the only one who has ever wondered why in the world Christ would say that marriage does not exist in heaven. I think about how much time and effort goes into this primary relationship of our lives, and I wonder what is it all for if it is not eternal? Well, scripture answers this by referring to marriage as a mysterious earthly example of Christ's relationship to the church.

Willard says that "God’s speaking is intended to develop into an intelligent freely cooperative relationship between mature people who love each other [with agape love] (HG 31)." This cancels out what I was blogging about yesterday, the idea that we can simply go to God to receive our daily list of to do's, and an answer for all of our questions. This relationship with God is RECIPROCAL. It is a marriage relationship.

The ladies of my church are studying Debbie Pearl's Helpmeet, a book on the role of the wife in marriage. It occurred to me yesterday in Sunday school that it would be quite possible to go all of my married life doing all the things that the book suggests that I am meant to do (based on Debbie's interpretation of scripture). I could do these things and generate the APPEARANCE of a great marriage without ever really having a REAL marriage, a real relationship with my husband. By never really stopping long enough to seek to understand my husband - who he is, what his dreams are, what drives him to do what he does - I could in fact be married without having a marriage.

This is what we so often do to God, however. When we approach Him simply as someone to be obeyed and not questioned, someone who cannot be understood, someone who will always be out of reach, we are truly saying that he is UNREASONABLE. Willard often points out in Hearing God that one of our biggest drawbacks in our faith is the assumptions we have about God. He writes about one such assumption in the fact that we often approach scripture with the mindset that we are reading "a book of doctrine, abstract truth about God." This creates a barrier between the reader and God so that "one can search endlessly without encountering God himself or hearing his voice (HG 35)."

It is not until we begin to value the revelation of the character of God through His word, until we truly pray for the desire to know God intimately, that we will begin to journey toward the union that God so earnestly desires to have with us as His creation - that normal life of God's indwelling.

Willard leaves us with two reminders in chapter two regarding our attitude when God does begin to reveal Himself to us. First, he writes that "God’s speaking to us does not in itself make us important (HG 38)." When we receive direct communication from someone of importance, it is often difficult for us not to share this information with others in a way that indicates our own significance in the eyes of our audience. We tend to like to "be in the know," and to make others feel our importance. God's communication, however, should always encourage not our pride, but our humility. We are important to God, but He does not choose to speak to us because we are important.

Lastly, Willard reminds us that "God’s speaking to us does not prove us either righteous or right (HG 39)." I think that this may be hard to grasp, because it seems that God's speaking to us would be a way in which He imparts His will to us. If I follow that will, then it would seem that I were acting in a right way, that I were living righteously even. However, I think the attitude that Willard is exposing in this statement is one we might have when we begin to, again, puff ourselves up with the idea that we are somehow deserving of God's communication because of our own righteousness.

I do not think that God's overtures of communication toward us are conditional on our attitudes, our assumptions, or the general condition of our hearts. God called me when I was in sin, He can speak to any of us whenever and however He chooses. What is conditional on our attitudes, our assumptions, and the general condition of our hearts is our own ability to perceive God's voice and what He is saying to us.

Okay, I'd better get ready for work, before I follow another tangent of conversation on this topic. Feel free to comment...

Back to Hearing God - Chapter One

Okay, since it's been a long, long time since I posted anything on this book study, I've decided to start back at the beginning. After putting the book aside for quite some time, I decided there was more to be gleaned from finishing it. But here on the blog, I'm starting back with chapter one, hoping it might be helpful to me and to others to make some basic observations (bringing Willard out of the clouds and hopefully putting some of his ideas in laymen's terms)...

In looking at what I've hi-lighted, the first thing I saw as being important to reiterate is what Willard expresses as "the blasphemous idea that everything that happens in this world is caused by God (HG 18)." Not to delve deeply into what could quickly become a Calvinist/Armenian debate, there is a point at which a believer must realize that though nothing in life can escape God's control, yet not all things are DIRECTLY caused by God. If you look at the classic story of Job, I think this fact is fairly clearly evidenced.

God ALLOWED Job to suffer, but God was not the CAUSE of this suffering. In fact, contrary to what Job's friends believed, Job's suffering was not even a result of Job's own sin. There are times that we must recognize that God is not to be blamed for certain events in our lives, though He retains control of both our lives and the situations which effect them. I think parenthood might give us the easiest approach toward grasping this idea.

As a parent, my actions assist in bringing my child into existence (and facilitate its continuance). There are times that I directly intervene in my child's life, even cause what seems like suffering to my child as a means of discipline or protection. There are other times when my child suffers by his or her own hand, reaping the consequences of his own sin or poor choices. At times I may have the opportunity to step in to stop my child from experiencing the consequence, but I choose to ALLOW this peril to befall him or her, knowing that as James says in scripture, "the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

This may seem like a tangential conversation, but it is essential that the believer understand that God is not to be blamed in suffering, which Paul tells us is the NORMAL existence for the Christian. Actually, I would venture to say that to be devoid of trials and suffering is to be devoid of Christ himself. In fact, what Dillard speaks about as "The normal human life God intended for us: God’s indwelling his people through personal presence and fellowship (HG 18)" has everything to do with trial and will involve its fair share of pain.

Willard laments (and I do with him), that far too often "Our relationship with God is treated as no more than a mere arrangement or understanding that Jesus and his Father have about us (HG 22)." I know I am guilty of thinking that way from time to time. With this attitude, we relegate God to an adopted philosophy, in turn not only missing out on the fellowship we could experience with Him, but also starving ourselves of what both Willard and scripture refer to as the "daily bread" of "personal communion and communication with God (HG 23)."

Out of the midst of trial and suffering so common in the Christian faith comes the instinctual desire to reach out to God Himself as the source of our comfort, relief, and REST. We cannot reach out to a mere god who is the central figure of our life philosophy. He is no more than the one on whom we can cast blame when events turn against us. Besides this, continually treating God in this non-relational manner will lead us "to abandon faith in our ability to hear from God," an action that Willard declares "is to abandon the reality of a personal relationship with God" entirely (HG 26).

Blasphemy of this sort is far more dangerous than blatant disbelief. Buy into the idea that communication with God is simply something that happened in the Old Testament and therefore no longer relevant in our day and age, and you have effectively ripped the very heart out of your own spiritual life. Perhaps as dangerous, though, is approaching communication with God as a means of determining every direction for your own life. Willard bluntly states: "Extreme pre-occupation with knowing God’s will for me only indicates my overconcern for myself (HG 28)."

Our goal then is not only to recognize that God has the power and desire to communicate with us as His creation regularly and intimately, but it is also to recognize that God desires much more than to provide a daily dictation of directions for our lives. Even more, it is not until we take the focus off of our selves and dedicate our full attention to God's greater purpose that we can fully accept the suffering that has been granted to us on behalf of Christ. This is what God wishes to communicate to all who long to have the normal life He intended - His indwelling of His creation on a daily basis, providing for every need, fulfilling every created purpose in human life.

Lamentations

I was just lamenting the fact that a friend had not posted since September 19 (or was it the 16th?). Anyway, I suddenly realized how hypocritical that was coming from someone whose last post was on the 5th of the month that is now nearly over!
This month has been a, well, a HELL OF A MONTH. And I don't necessarily mean that in a good way. Right now I am lamenting the loss of this month, because I have only a few weeks left before I head to Montgomery to take my Series Seven licensing exam.
So much has happened in the past month. Geoff and I went through a harrowing trial of the progress we've made in our marriage relationship - and came through with a sense that what God builds, nothing can destroy. That was both a hardship and a blessing. Also this month, a friend of mine was sent to jail on murder charges. Definitely not an easy thing to deal with. And in the midst of it, another major hardship has befallen my foo (family of origin).
I am impressed by some of what I've been reading lately in Dallas Willard (I plan to update the blog with some of my learnings soon). Willard says, wisely I think, that it is only the immature believer who thinks that to be in God's will means to live a life that is devoid of risk and hardship. Like Job's friends, we too often look on from the outside at those who are suffering and wag our tongues about what that person should have done differently. We too often assume that they must be acting apart from God's will if these trials are upon them. It is just as likely, if not more likely when the sufferer is a growing believer, that they ARE in the midst of God's perfect will and that it is BECAUSE they have chosen to stay within his will that they are living in these trials.
This is certainly not the easiest theology to swallow, especially when you or a loved one are/is the one who suffers. More on this later. For now, it's off to work I go...

End Times?

The other night Geoff and I watched the Al Gore film, An Inconvenient Truth. If you are reading this and you have not seen it, I would encourage you to rent and view it. What Mr. Gore speaks of in global warming and the destination of the world as far as the melting ice caps are concerned is, I believe, inconveniently true.

Now, on top of it all I know that this world was created by a sovereign God who will not allow one cube of ice to melt aside from His will and His plan of salvation for all people. So when I immediately felt the gravity of what I learned of global warming from Mr. Gore's film, I started to tell myself that it could just be another one of these "Chicken Little" cries that the world would come to an end. But then in my reading, I came across the following passage in Luke:

"There will be signs in sun and moon and stars, and on the earth dismay among nations, in perplexity at the roaring of the sea and the waves, men fainting from fear and the expectation of the things which are coming upon the world; for the powers of the heavens will be shaken." - Luke 21: 25

These are the words of Christ as He tells His disciples to be on guard for His second coming. Someone with a great deal more theological knowledge than I possess will probably come by and tell me I am wrong in my conjecture, but I wonder if what Christ is foretelling is the problem of global warming. See, the whole issue of warming (for those who haven't seen the film or need a refresher) is like this:

"Carbon dioxide and other gases warm the surface of the planet naturally by trapping solar heat in the atmosphere. This is a good thing because it keeps our planet habitable. However, by burning fossil fuels such as coal, gas and oil and clearing forests we have dramatically increased the amount of carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere and temperatures are rising." (from www.climatecrisis.net/thescience)

The result of these rising temperatures is pretty astounding. Scientists project that in 15 years we will no longer have glacial national park. That is a sad thing to me because I have always wanted to see Alaska. Biologists have discovered polar bears drowning because they swim for long distances searching for ice that is no longer thick enough to support their weight. As the ice melts, the sea rises. In the next 50 years if we continue our emissions as they currently stand, the water level will rise 20 feet. We won't have to worry about the destruction of Hurricane Katrina because New Orleans will no longer exist. Heck, I'll have beachfront property in what will no longer be central Alabama!

The first and most natural response to such things is clearly to PANIC! Fifty years is (God willing) in my projected lifetime. What would it be like to feel the impact of temperatures and water rising 20 degrees? (I'm moving to North Dakota if it gets in the 120s here)! However, Christ gives us a different perspective. In Luke 21: 28 he follows with this:

"But when these things begin to take place; straighten up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near."

That is a beautiful picture to me. What should our response be to signs that the sky is falling? We should Praise God! We find it easy to praise God when we see His goodness, but when things don't seem so great we don't have the feeling of praise in our hearts. But Christ tells us to view the end times in light of what they point to - His second coming - the greatest good of all.

Christ is often reminding us to view the present with the future in mind. Paul gives us an example of considering the present with the future in mind in Romans 5:3-4:

"we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

While the world falls to pieces around me, I want to feel excitement in my heart, to sing "Hallelujah, He is risen! He is coming!"

When I was young I used to say that I had a long list of things that I wanted to go through and experience before the second coming of Christ. I wonder how many people out there are guilty of saying, "Come, Lord Jesus, just please not yet...". I have been guilty of it in the past.

I haven't had a baby yet. I want to watch my child grow up. I want to experience true love. I want to finish my Ph.D. I want to break this world record. I want to fulfill my greatest dream. Have we really begun to consider these insignificant achievements of this life as a real substitution that we even prefer over the establishment of the Kingdom of God? Shame on us. Let's straighten up, and lift up our heads (and hands and hearts and wills). Our redemption is drawing near. Hallelujah!

Sixty-Four Seventy-Five

The last four weeks have been intensely chaotic, full of frustration and full of reward. There is a part of me that seems to think that all I have to show for this painful period has been the hard-earned $64.75 from my yard sale on Saturday. But what I can honestly say is that I have much more than that.
I'm thinking of the whole concept of receiving beauty for ashes right now, because it seems so appropriate to this past month for me. I have learned more about myself, about my God, about my husband, and about life in the last four weeks than I have in a long time. And I realized something. My marriage had been reduced to ashes. As much as it is not easy to admit, I was the arsenist. I am not assuming full responsibility for the failure of my marriage, but I was definitely the one who struck the match.
At the beginning of this month, I left my husband. I had no idea what I wanted or who I was or where I was headed. I just went to my parents house. And let me stop here and say something about parents who love too much. My mother used to have this book that had a silent impact on me because I never read anything beyond the title "Women who love too much." I don't know if I ever felt when I was growing up that my parents were people who loved us too much, but I believe it is true as I look back.
I don't say this of my folks in order to pass judgment on them, I say it as a statement of the obvious. I think my parents greatly value their children, and I am no exclusion from that rule. In their love and acceptance, I found a safe retreat from the frustrations of my marriage. I struck the match here, burned several bridges and ran to their arms and away from my husband's.
Going to my parents' home was like trying to take a nap on an inverted pincushion. I told my father repeatedly that I did not want to be there. The nettles that I felt so poignantly at their house were not of their creation, but of mine and of a God who instead of loving me too much, loved me perfectly and knew that the appropriate place for me was not in the home of my parents, but in the home of my husband.
Coming home to my husband two weeks later was not easy. I feared that I would return to a pile of ash and rubble - evidence of the significant breech in faith that I had created by my rash behavior. Instead I found something totally unexpected (to me) - that God had been working on my behalf to replace my ashes with beauty.
I am experiencing the honeymoon that I dreamed of from the beginning, in a marriage that I had not only nearly lost hope in, but one that I had also intentionally sabotaged out of my frustration. What I discovered in the midst of thinking that my marriage was for my benefit only was that my marriage, like everything else in my life, was soli deo gloria - all for the glory of God.
The concept is so basic, but from the moment I began to focus on all of the voices in my life (often including my own) that led me to alternately question and defend my views of marriage, and more specifically my marriage, I began to lose focus on the purpose of my marriage in the first place.
My hope is restored, my commitment renewed, my vision refreshed and my troth plighted (faith pledged) to my husband and my God once more. I have a great deal of work to do to rebuild the burned bridges I left in the wake of my leaving, but in the midst of this work, I have something to hold onto - out of the ashes God has recreated in His image a marriage that I was trying to conform to my image. This amateur arsenist has exchanged her matchbook for the building blocks of God's word on marriage. I hope to use this blog as a place to chronicle what I learn. Maybe others will be able to use it in some way to encourage them on the days when all they see is a pile of ashes where a marriage once was...

Changes

One of the most intimidating words in the English language is change. It's a word that means work, struggle, letting go, learning. And its most fearful context is in relationships. My husband is out of town working on Microsoft Certification training and testing and I have been trying to use this time by myself to work on change for our marriage. Most of the changes I have looked at making have been minor, but one has been major.
For the past four years, I have been looking at my marriage as an opportunity to change my husband. I made the mistake of marrying potential instead of reality. Not that the reality of who he was wasn't great, but that I was looking more at what he could be. Hardly a week has gone by that I haven't found some opportunity to point out to him some little or big change he could make that would improve our marriage. Anything from iron your clothes! to buy a new car!
I've got to admit this constant flow of criticism has changed our relationship a lot -- but not for the better. The clothes remain un-ironed, he still drives an old gas-guzzler clunker. What has changed is my attitude toward my marriage and my husband.
Suddenly something as small as the cabinet door being left open creates a crisis for me. I begin to say, he asked for the cabinet with a closed door, but he always leaves it open! He must do it to annoy me. He doesn't appreciate that I chose the cabinet he liked over the one that I liked. He is totally careless. He endangers others (I could hit my head on that open cabinet door if I am not paying attention). And the ultimate conclusion - if he doesn't love me enough to do something as simple as close the cabinet door, then maybe I shouldn't be married to him anymore.
Sadly enough, this has become the story of our relationship. Now, I know enough about dealing with bipolar disorder to know that some of my overreaction in situations like these is directly related to my disorder. But I am also learning that I have become a negative spirit in our marriage. By constantly focusing on changing my husband, I have neglected my own need for change.
Even though I am not an alcoholic, my counselor is always reminding me of the serenity prayer. One of my hardest life lessons is to learn the difference between what I have control over and what I have little or no control over. My steady drip of change... change... change... does nothing for my husband or for me except to exasperate us both. I have been trying to control things that are not under my control, namely my husband.
So my change, if I can succeed in implementing it is to stop listing the changes I want in my husband and start noticing changes I can make in me. I know this is more easily said than done, but I have discovered a tried and true recipe for success.
Scripture tells us that the provider of our needs is God - that he will not give us more than we can bear, that he will not give us rocks when we ask for bread, that his eye is on the sparrow and he cares for us to an even greater amount. Jesus reminds us to ask our Father God daily to provide for our basic needs.
The big change I am trying to make is this: when I see a change, little or big, that I want to make in my husband, I am going to give it to God as a request. Instead of saying, Hub, why can't you get a new (safer/more economical) car?! I will pray, God, provide safe transport for my family today. God is responsible for my daily needs - if he wants to provide for me in the form of my husband's beat-up old van, so be it. Who am I to question God?
Lord, grant me the serenity...