How are you?

I was reading back over what I wrote the other day before surgery and realized what a game face I was putting on. I'm not as strong or emotionless about this whole thing as I tried to come across in that post. And specifically, one thing the doctor said to Geoff while I was in recovery was that this was truly a pregnancy and truly a baby. He said if we hadn't been on clomid and all, we may still not know that this pregnancy was not going to result in the nine month delivery of a child, because we wouldn't have had such early ultrasounds. I tried to brush over this in my last post, like it was just a fertilized egg and nothing more, but for me this was so disappointing. I thought at first it would be helpful to know that we never had to go through seeing the heartbeat start and then stop. But I'm not sure if that really changes much at all. The doctor is right. I was really pregnant for nearly 10 weeks, and losing a pregnancy is losing a baby.
I guess it just goes to show you how we process. One day we're thinking, "I can handle this," the next we're breaking down.
I'm sick of being asked how are you by folks because the socially acceptable response to this question is "fine" "good" or "okay" and right now none of these really fits. Right now I'm hurting, frustrated, and feeling like I'm supposed to suck it up and move on. It was a few days ago now, let's put it out of mind and move on. Yeah. Right.
But what an adjustment. Just last week I was pregnant, with high hopes for a Thanksgiving bundle of joy. I'd contracted a nanny and pre-approved my post-delivery work schedule. I'd bought a crib, maternity clothes, and a baby swing. I had been thinking about going to Babies R Us to register.
And now? I think I'm kind of lost. I'm suddenly not pregnant, and I don't even have a baby to show for it. I can't focus on work stuff because everything there has changed. I'm not sure how to adjust back to what it was like a little over two months ago, because I had changed gears to be focused on a future that should have come in 7 months.
After Wednesday, I had to put away a bunch of stuff, just get it out of sight. The crib would be too difficult to remove right now, but everything else has been stuffed into closets or the attic. And right now I don't want to look at baby or mom stuff; I don't want to hear about other peoples' babies or pregnancies or whatever. I threw away my pregnancy journal, which I was really enjoying writing in, and the sonagram picture from 7 weeks and all of the gifts from the doctor's office (which are basically promotional type items) and the positive pregnancy tests.
I think I would like to forget any of this happened, but I guess that's just how I'm feeling today. Tomorrow I may feel something a little different, who knows...
I'm feeling a little angry right now at things I don't want to be angry about, people I don't want to feel angry at. It is so frustrating to find others getting pregnant while on birth control, when I have sepnt nearly 5 years of marriage with no birth control and can't seem to conceive (effectively) without medical assistance. It's hard for me to see so many folks who haven't even been at this marriage thing for nearly as long as Geoff and I have, and they are already having children to show for it. I feel left behind. I feel a little defective. First the problem was that I couldn't ovulate at all. And then when I finally do, the egg was bad. I mean, could I just exchange my female parts for ones that work?!?
But after this week, I find that I am also a little glad that we can't just get right back to trying to get pregnant. For one, the D&C doesn't leave me feeling very sexy. But also, I'm emotionally not ready to deal with the possibility of going through this process again, and just because we've had one miscarriage now doesn't mean that we won't have another one. I can guarantee that Geoff and I will not tell a soul that we're pregnant next time until we know for sure that everything is really looking good. I want the doctor's word that all looks great at 12 weeks before I will breathe a word of this to anyone.
I haven't given up hope, but the answer to "how are you?" is not "fine" "good" or even "okay" at the moment, and that's just the way it is for now.

Not the Post You've Been Waiting For

Tomorrow morning, three days shy of ten weeks, our first pregnancy will end in some outpatient surgery. That's right - we finally managed to get pregnant, something I was so excited about only a few weeks ago, until we had our first ultrasound, which showed a clearly defined gestational sac with a great looking yolk in it, only problem being it was supposed to contain a fetus. We scheduled a second ultrasound 10 days later in hopes of having simply been off on our dates. The second ultrasound (Monday) proved to show only an empty sac.
We're processing right now, but doing okay. One bonus of this situation (if you want to call it that) is the fact that it has made us a stronger team. Geoff has been a big supporter through the last few days, and volunteered whole-heartedly to be my caretaker through the next few days of surgery and recovery. Pray for me especially through Mother's Day and if you feel like leaving me a message, please leave off the part about "it just wasn't meant to be." Sorry if that sounds like I'm being picky or cranky, but don't people think we know all that? We're not angry at God and we're not feeling particularly overwhelmed or depressed by this. But we don't need to constantly here this phrase or its many variations.
The biggest thing that has made it easier was the fact that we never saw the fetus develop, never heard a heartbeat. In fact, in some respects, there never was a baby at all - just a fertilized egg that never developed into more. The loss seems different somehow. The biggest thing that has made it harder is the fact that we are over 9 weeks into this process of feeling and for all practical purposes being pregnant. We wish we had known earlier that the egg was not developing, but c'est la vie, we really are okay.
My weekend with my folks a few weekends ago was really fun. Before we realized the problem we spent the weekend preparing for a baby, preparations that I am still confident won't go to waste. We bought a crib and swing and some blankets and such, and we went through our storage unit and discovered the perfect dresser and rocker, both of which are being fixed up for the future. And my dad helped put some finishing touches on the house, painting our columns white.
On another note, my neighbor's trial has been postponed yet again and my patience in dealing with her runs very thin. I have recently caught her in some more lying (she is hoarding child support money meant for her children) and I am really tired of the situation and unsure about the future of this relationship. But right now I think I just have my own cares to deal with, and I'm taking a bit of a break there.
Well, like I said, not the post you or I were hoping for, but it is what it is. And if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
We appreciate your prayers.

Wonderful Weekends

I haven't been absent that long, but everyone wants to know why I haven't written. Just been crazy busy (not to mention tired from being busy)!!! After several months of straining the budget, I decided to take on full-time hours at work for the remainder of the year, trying to help keep Geoff and I in the clear on money. So work has been an adjustment, and I've just had my mind on other things for awhile.
However, you want me to post something, so here I am.
I find myself wedged between two wonderful weekends. The first was two weeks ago when Gini (my sister) and my neice M came to visit. If you'd like to see a slideshow (which I know I promised earlier) use the side menu of blog links and go to "My sister." She's posted some since then, but scroll down and you'll find pics of all of our fun. I would have posted my own slideshow, but discovered when I went to use my camera that it had not been recharged!
I always love having both of them to visit. M really enjoyed our "Puddy-Pud," Irving. And I continued my now long-standing tradition of falling down anytime M is in town.
Last summer she was visiting and we went to Hickory Dickory Park. We were all having a good time when suddenly out of nowhere, I slipped and fell flat on my back. All M could say about this adventure was "Minnah fell down," which she repeated for at least a week afterward to anyone who asked her about her trip down to see me.
Well, I had to outdo myself on this trip. M and I were sitting on my front porch on that nice swing Geoff gave me for Christmas, just minding our own business swinging back and forth and suddenly - CRASH! Down came swing with me on it and M on me. No one was hurt, not even the swing, but we were all quite startled. The swing is still on the ground. I guess we need a longer screw to hold it in. I know the wood in the ceiling is all new so I think I just didn't get it in there deep enough.
I did say I outdid myself, right? So one fall was certainly not enough to content me.
G and M and I went to Frog Legs, our new Opelika establishment with loads of indoor inflatables for kids to play on. M needed a little help from time to time, so G and I took turns. (Can I mention that I'm really impressed at my sister getting up there and doing these climbing and sliding things at 6 months pregnant)? Anyway, I was just finishing up one slide with M and the step down was about 3 feet. Someone had put this nice little stepping block to help folks get down (or so I thought). Only it wasn't solid. It was entirely made of foam! So I stepped like it was solid and it squished and flipped and there I was, flat on my back again with little kids running and jumping over me to get onto the big slide. M unfortunately missed Minnah falling this time as she had found another slide or jumping, climbing station to enjoy, but Gini laughed so hard that she cried.
Anyway, Gini told me I just had to share my humiliation with the world, so there's your laugh for the day.
I'd write more about that weekend, but the pictures speak for themselves (and this post is getting really long as it is).
And I did say I was sandwiched between two wonderful weekends, so let me just say, I'll have another post soon about the lovely weekend that starts tomorrow (taking another Friday off). Mom and Dad are on their way to visit! I won't tell you what all we're up to now, because I'm sure you'll enjoy hearing about it when it's over. Just let it suffice that I've been counting days (and am now counting hours) until this weekend gets here, so I'm sure it's going to be great!

Visitors!!!

With three blogs I'm actively participating in, and now going basically full-time at work, it's amazing I have any time for anything. But the weekend is coming (my last Friday off) and my sister and neice are on their way for a visit! Mercy is not the only one excited about finally checking out "Frog Legs Inflatables" here in Opelika. Her Aunt Minnah just can't wait to see her and her oh-so-preggo mama.
We're also going to be heading up to B'ham all together for an A Cappella Choir reunion at Samford. I've been back and forth on going, but will be glad to be there with my sis, who was at least 1/2 the reason I tried out for and participated in A Cappella, something I certainly am thrilled that I did.
I'll be sure to get some pics while they're in town and while we're all travelling together in B'ham, and will post a nice photoshow when I return.
Happy weekend...

Anah

After changing my blog for Easter, I took off the verse that I used to have at the bottom of the screen. Many of you may never have noticed the verse. Perhaps I ought to edit my blog so that T.S Eliot's quote will be placed at the bottom and this verse at the top. I just might do that when I have time later...
Anyway, the verse is a big time favorite of mine:
"You give me your shield of victory, and your right hand sustains me; you stoop down to make me great." Psalm 18:35
This morning I started an online Bill Gothard Bible Study on the Commands of Christ with a group of ladies. This morning's lesson was on repentence, but something in the additional reading caught my attention. It said:
"Several Hebrew words are translated humble. One is anah, which means 'to stoop, be downcast, bow down; to be afflicted; to weaken oneself; to mishandle'.” When God stoops down to make us great, he humbles himself in the manner of this Hebrew word "anah." What greater example of humility do we have than that of Christ, who as Paul says in Phillipians, "who being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but instead made himself nothing, taking the very form of a servant, being made in human likeness; and being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross!"
God stooped down all the way to earth. And he didn't settle for being a king in all of his glory - he stooped down to the level of servant, he weakened himself, he gave himself up to be afflicted. And for what purpose? Well, certainly for His own glory. But also so that we could be made heirs with Christ our brother!
Yesterday morning I sang and played violin in an Easter sunrise service. The song we sang reawakened me to the love of God. If you haven't heard "Who am I" by Casting Crowns, I suggest you check it out, thinking about the God who humbled Himself, not even stopping short of death, who stooped down to make us (YOU) great.

New Recipe

I've posted my March recipe of the month. This soup is great for a quick lunch - it literally takes no time at all and is very very tasty, even with mostly no-sodium ingredients. The book it came from is a new favorite of mine "Meals in Minutes" from the American Heart Association. Bon Appetit!