15 Week Milestone

My favorite milestone thus far:
This week my baby can distinguish two sounds from other noises - the sound of my heart and the sound of my voice. It will be almost another two weeks before he or she will hear daddy's voice, but he can't wait to startle the baby so that I can tell him if I think the baby jumped.

Grief Counseling

I've found myself in a new role in the last several months, and especially in the past few weeks - the role of grief counselor. I don't know how many of you have held the hand of a friend that you have poured your life into for some time and now have to watch die. I can tell you that I never would have thought that at 28 years old I would be watching this happen to a friend of mine.
In the midst of my caring for Rosemary, I found something online that I thought was helpful to me and might be of use to someone else who is walking a path of loss with a friend or family member.

• Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them.
• Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading.
• Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.
• Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling every painful moment with words.
• Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head.
• Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about directing those struggles.
• Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain.
• Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic.
• Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.

This list serves as a reminder to me that I can't fix anything for Rosemary or for her children and that it is not my job to do this even if I could. My job is to listen and to hold her hand and to cry with her and to laugh with her and to listen to her and to talk to her. My mom calls this carrying her to Jesus.
It is hard to watch anyone die, but a 29 year old who was full of life a year ago presents a special case. She talks about celebrating her 30th birthday and about seeing her 14 year old graduate from high school one day. She talks about getting her preemie baby home from the hospital and making up for valuable lost time. I don't often know what to say when all evidence points to the fact that the number of her days may barely be in the double digits.
It is not that I don't believe in miracles. I don't think it is a question of my faith... I think some things just are what they are.
I have been reading Hannah Hurnard's Hinds Feet on High Places and it has been a great book to read as I walk through this with Rosemary. I have really caught hold of the idea of becoming God's handmaiden named "Acceptance with Joy." It is about choosing to say not that I don't believe that God could change my circumstances, but that whatever He chooses to do, I will accept it and accept it with joy. What a victory it would be if one day, be it tomorrow or in 20 or 50 or 70 years, I could face my own death with acceptance and with joy. For now, I just try to carry Rosemary to Jesus. We appreciate your prayers through all of this.

In Like A Lion

So March came in like a lion. We spent Saturday holed up in our hallway with Colson and Soozie, listening to the tornado sirens and watching the rain come down. It was something like 75 degrees or more outside all day and it poured rain all morning. This ruined our plans to go to Birmingham to see our godson who is still in the hospital but doing well. I did go visit Rosemary that afternoon when the weather cleared and we watched a movie and I held her hand while the hospice nurse talked to her.

We heard there would be snow on Sunday but I didn't believe it. Sure enough, I woke at 6 am and peeked outside and saw it coming down. It was a true snowstorm with thunder and all. And we had close to 6" on the ground by the day's end. It snowed from early that morning until around 3 in the afternoon.

We took a walk in the snow with our nephews and neices. Matthew kept rolling enormous snowballs and carrying them around with him.

No one was more excited about the snow than Matthew- except perhaps Colson and Soozie who really enjoyed trying to catch the snow when we threw it in the air.

Geoff ended the day by building a good sized snowman.

The only downside to the snow was getting it on a weekend and not getting an extra day off work. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers, right?

FYI

We find out whether we're having a boy or girl on March 19th at 3:00. If you haven't voted on my blog, get it done before I post on the 19th!

14 Weeks and Counting...

It's officially the 2nd trimester and I've decided it is time to start posting belly pics. My friend did this and it was fun to go back when her baby turned a year old and look at the pictures from when he was growing inside her. Per her suggestion, for the second trimester I'm going to take pictures every 4 weeks; when we hit the third trimester I'll start posting every 2 weeks.
Geoff took this photo of me this morning at 14 weeks 1 day. I thought, Geez, I don't look pregnant, just fat, but I don't usually feel that way in person. In fact, people have more often noticed lately that I've lost weight rather than gained it. I thought the lighting in the room was good, but this didn't turn out that great on color and brightness. Oh well, you get the idea.
My friend actually exposed her belly for the pictures, something you won't get to see here because my belly looks like I'm suffering abuse. There is no end in sight on the heparin injections unfortunately, as the bloodwork at 14 weeks still indicates that they are needed to supply the baby with high-quality oxygenated blood. I was bummed about this (my stomach skin is getting so tough from 2 shots a day for the past 12 weeks) but of course I'd do anything for this baby.
Anyway, I'll close the post with what I thought was a sweet story. One of my biggest fears about being pregnant was that Geoff had actually said to me that he wasn't sure he'd be able to find me attractive when I was pregnant. (I know, harsh!) Well, the other day I caught him staring at my belly and said, why are you staring at my belly? He said, I don't know, it's kind of cute. I thought I would just melt it made me feel so comforted. So score one for my husband, it appears that though he's never found a pregnant woman attractive before, the problem is remedied due to the fact that he's married to one. :)

Little Thumper

Well, we had our doctor's appointment yesterday at 13 weeks, 2 days. Just a few more days and I will be officially in my 2nd trimester! We heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time which was cool. No, for those asking, I have no idea what the heartrate was; I didn't think to ask. I was just told it was really strong and clear (it sounded like it to me!) and that the baby sounded like he or she was ready to jump right out of my womb.
The jury is still out on whether or not I am done with shots. I had bloodwork drawn and the nurse will call me Monday to tell me a, if I can stop the Heparin injections, and b, if I need to start back on the progesterone shots. I am praying that we're done with both.
The heartbeat was the coolest part of the appointment. We also went over some things I"m dealing with, mainly asthma, which is a new/old thing since I haven't had it since childhood. I seem to have the nighttime coughing variety which we are trying to combat with an inhaler before bed. Just started this, so we'll see how it works. The other issue is that I continue to lose weight at about a pound a week. Now, I've been really sick with a cold for the last three weeks, but I also am having trouble eating. Doctor's suggestion is to eat high calorie healthy peanut butter. I'm trying, but I'm really not at all hungry for anything at all.
And for those who keep asking, Thursday, March 19th we will find out whether we are having a boy or girl. So if you haven't voted yet on my blog poll, you need to do it before the 19th when I post. :)