A Real Post

So for months now most of my posts have been about the house. Which I guess at least some of you are bored with. Where are the real posts? Where are the gut-wrenchingly honest posts about my life and what's going on?
The answer is I don't know. When I first set out to blog, I had no idea why I did it. I hate the idea of sharing everything with everyone, not that I have any big secrets. Who in their right mind would want to broadcast every feeling, every thought, every happenstance of their life to the world? But then again, who are we fooling?
So you want to know where I am right now? I'm struggling, but making it. I'm struggling once again with my weight. I managed to lose 30 lbs last year, then had an issue with my husband that rocked my world and made me wonder why I was working so hard to be in shape. So now when I go to the gym I wonder what I'm doing it for and I have all sorts of added fears that it will never be enough. I try to remind myself that I'm doing this for me, not for him, and that I'm doing it to increase my chances of being able to have some healthy children.
And there's another struggle - having children. It's so hard to watch others who don't even try to get pregnant get pregnant when they sneeze. It's hard for those of us who desparately want children and are told by doctors to take this pill and that pill and the other pill and keep our legs elevated and on and on. It would/will be harder after all of the methods of increasing my fertility are exhausted, and luckily we are not at that point yet. But still, I am frustrated and struggling.
And then there is work - but this struggle is only for a time. I admit, my career is very new to me, and I am not even close to knowing it all. That is actually what makes it fun and challenging at times, but it also tests my patience and humility. Because I'm used to being good at everything. And sometimes looking at all of the tasks I've taken on during a coworker's maternity leave, I feel completely overwhelmed, like I don't know where to start. It's not that I'm not capable, it's that I just don't have the experience and knowledge that she does, so things that she'd have done in 10 minutes take me 10 days. I'll get there, I know. When I've been in the business for five years and have some more training and licensing under my belt, I'll look back at these little things and laugh. But today, it humbles me to struggle to do the work set out for me.
So what's the point of sharing all of this? I guess I'm just trying to give more of myself than a photoshow of my house. I love the house and all of the work we put into it. It's a wonderful place which I feel Geoff and I are really turning into a great place for another young couple to get their start down the road (when our family grows too large to stay here any longer). And so much is going well for me and for my marriage and my life. After living in Auburn for four and a half years, I'm finally starting to develop some female friendships, I've gotten actively involved in church and music, I have a job that I LOVE, a home that I LOVE, and a husband that I LOVE. And yet I struggle. Such is the condition of all men in this life, on this earth. And thus ends an honest snapshot of where I am this morning.

Weight Loss - Then and Now Pics

I'm posting embarrassing pictures of myself because people who haven't seen me in awhile might not be able to appreciate how much weight I gained and then THANKFULLY lost!

The first one was taken in June, when I was wearing a 14 to a 12. I barely look like I can fit in the picture! No, I didn't widen the angle or alter the picture in any way. That's just how much of a weight problem I allowed myself to get into... I got to where I could not wear that shirt. Now it's a staple of my daily wear.

The second one was taken in September. Down to a 10 there, and I know not the best pictures, but I honestly don't have that many to choose from. I guess I got a bit camera shy after gaining all of that weight. I know my hair is longer in the second picture, and that might be all that you can notice from it, but if I had better close ups of the face, you could definitely tell the difference.

Side by side below I've put pictures of my face - the first in June - just before the Hallquist family fourth of July reunion. I took it on my cell phone myself, so it's not the best image ever, but hopefully you can tell a big difference between that one and the one next to it (besides that I had curled my hair for the second picture). The difference is actually about 20 lbs! The second picture was taken in October, and you'll recognize it as my sidebar pic from my blog.

I wish I could show more of the final picture that's down there, because you can really tell in that pic just how much I've lost, but Geoff managed to take a picture that shows entirely too much uncovered chest with the angle, so I've had to crop it.

Anyway, enough embarrassing photos for one day. I didn't get a chance to do an update of the work completed on day two yesterday because I went and got my hair and nails done and got home too late to take pictures (no daylight left). I'll try to slip outside this morning and snap a few before the guys get started again.

Geoff's got the day off for Turkey weekend, so he might take some of the work in progress. As long as it doesn't rain...

GREAT TO BE AN EIGHT!

This morning I realized that I had lost enough weight now to consider trying something. So I went to the closet and pulled out my navy pin-stripe suit, which I haven't worn in nearly 2 years. In fact, I only got about 3 wears out of this thing because I bought it too snug since I really liked it (wanted it for an interview) and they didn't really have it in my size.

I am thrilled to report that this morning I put it on easily and am now wearing it comfortably. My main goal has been officially reached - Size EIGHT and LOVING IT! I would still love to lose about 10 more pounds before the year is out and then I will be in a weight range that is comfortable for me to maintain indefinitely. Still, today is for a little celebration (not talking about cake and ice cream here).

Every Good Intention

I had every good intention of spending the morning writing a bit more on Willard, but as many good intentions go...
I did have a thought last night which I thought would be interesting to share. I was out getting dog food and the literal thought that went through my head was "I'm dying for some ice cream." It's a thought I have sometimes while trying to remain disciplined with this dieting thing, "I'm dying for some macaroni and cheese." "I'm dying for some fried pickles." "I'm dying for some chocolate." It occured to me that this could become a sort of mantra that instead of hurting my chances of sticking to my diet, could actually assist me in achieving my goals.
I was talking to my brother about this very thing the other day. About how what I put in my mouth determines whether I will live or I will die. So I asked myself last night, what is it I'm dying for? Would I rather have one more day of health and happiness with my husband and life here, or would I rather eat this ___?
Obesity is a disease and in more than 90% of the cases, it is self-inflicted. Just as abstinance from sex can protect us from venereal disease, abstinance from certain foods can protect us from obesity. When a doctor says someone is morbidly obese, it literally means, you are dying from what you are eating every day.
There is an addiction issue when you get to a certain point with food. When I treat my eating as an extension of my mood - "what do I feel like eating today?" - I quickly start back into a downhill slope of wanting the fried foods, the salty foods, the sweets, the sugars. Just like the person who smokes realizes that he is probably inflicting cancer on himself and bringing death one day closer, so also the person who makes poor choices about eating is bring death one day closer with every bite.
Gluttony is a deadly sin, one that we very often overlook (myself included). I have tried to recondition my thinking about food - to say that my body is like a machine. We put into the machine oil, gas, things that are good for it and make it run properly. We are constantly wary of things that will clog the engine and make it perform poorly (which is why we by more highly refined gas for our vehicles). We should treat our bodies with the same sort of dignity.
What do I need to fuel me? Vitamins and minerals, proteins and carbohydrates. Water, water, and more water. What slows me down, clogs me up, makes me perform poorly and shortens the life of my "engine"? Sugars and oils and fats (oh my!).
So here is a challenge for those of you, like me, who struggle with what you put into your mouth. Next time you grab a snickers bar for breakfast, literally say this to yourself, "I am DYING for this Snickers bar." Next time you pull up to order at a fast food window, say, "I am DYING for this chicken sandwich." And then ask yourself, is it worth it?
Anyone interested in knowing how I've managed to lose 25 lbs in the last four months is free to email me and ask. I'll give you a hint - no sugars, no caffeine, and WATER, WATER, and MORE WATER. Don't die for your food. God gave us food to fuel us and help us live!

The Big 2-0

No, I'm not celebrating a birthday... Or my 20th felony indictment... Or my 20th tattoo.
I'm celebrating being
20
pounds
lighter!!!
Every time I pass back down into a different decade of weight I drawing a line and saying "never again." My new diet is great, easy to follow, and more of a change of lifestyle than a diet-diet. That on top of the exercise is working for me. It's slower than I had hoped, but I continue to keep it off, which is the important part of the progress.
I've entered my name in a competition at our gym that is somewhat like a mini-biggest-loser competition. I'm not sure when it starts, but I think maybe the end of the month. If I win, I get 10 full weeks of personal training for FREE, so I'm hoping for that extra boost. My goal is to lose 17 more pounds by Thanksgiving. Depending on what the nutritionist says at that point I'll either have 10 or 20 to go.
Just for the record, once I lose the final 17 I will weigh what I did when I started college. If I lose 10 on top of that it will put me back to my starting high school weight, which seems to be my highest goal. But for some reason that weight is actually at the top end of my class for bone structure/height, so I may need to try to drop another 10, which would put me at Junior High Weight. I have never been skinny, skinny, but I was never really huge either, so I'm not sure it's realistic for me to weigh at 26 what I weighed at 12. But I'm doing what I can do to get to that next 17. For now, I'm just thrilled to be down by 20.